Why This Kind of Self-Isolation Feels So Sick

Source; “Isolation” by Trinity Jackson

We are in lockdown. I would not call it a self-quarantine because it would be incorrect to say so. But I have not gone out of my home since March 15, more or less.

I am not a stranger to self-isolation like so many in my generation. I have been social distancing all my life, never being thrilled in the company of people I don’t trust. But it doesn’t always have anything to do with other people. It’s a state of mind.

In the fall and late winter of 2016, I confined myself to my home for six months on a diet of mostly coffee and roasted corn and binge-watching every World War II movie made under the Sun. It was a state of mind too. It didn’t lead to too many nice things, but I recall that pleasurable experience fondly. Every pleasure must end in pain, though.

Now, here we are. Locked up in self-isolation, if not “self-quarantine.’ The coronavirus pandemic is here. The apocalypse everyone couldn’t stop talking about is here.

This is not normal and this is not voluntary. Most of all, this is not enjoyable, even if a part of you is enjoying it.

But the economy is crashing, perhaps like never before since the Great Depression. You are supposed to be productive in this self-isolation.

How can you? You can barely remain sane,

And the disease has not knocked on your door, yet. While the others have not been so lucky. Who is to say if you are going to be immune to this misery, whether your neighborhood catches the virus or not. The disease is all-pervasive. Like God. It is almost God who is here to kill humanity.

It is our shared misery, that binds us in the bond of humanity.

How could you possibly enjoy it?

You are stressed. You are fatigued. You are shut down.

What are we supposed to do? Pretend that the pandemic crisis is not there? Pretend that you are free to go out and meet people anytime you can? Pretend to eat anything you can? Do anything you want?

But that’s not the worst of it.

How are you to pretend that the people around you are not at serious risk of falling ill and dying?

How are you to pretend that you are not going to be the next victim of the virus? Because you can do only so much to prevent getting infected.

We are all infected.

We are all out of touch.

The Mood to Talk

Source: Gary Busey/NBC/blogna.tv

Source: Gary Busey/NBC/blogna.tv

Someone starting to talk to you about something of your interest is like an appetizer really.

Baiting to make you want to go for more.

But then sometimes they withdraw, or have to.

I know this would sound ridiculous to a lot of people, but it is like coitus interruptus, or someone denying you orgasm after stimulation. Or perhaps leaving you with that terrible urge that chain smokers feel when they have not smoked for a while.

Why would stimulating your brain be any different to stimulating your genitals? Also, why does touching or manipulating your genitals get so much attention and doing the same to your brain does not even get a mention?

It’s just there is no apparent release point of this energy, depending on what kind of energy you are dealing with here.

I know not everyone may have the energy to keep up with the discussion, but this is how it works for some.

I would not mind passing out with an overdose at the end of the day, if you ask me.

But someone rightly pointed out to me.

Wouldn’t it kill the very purpose?